It’s not that I wanted to be her…I am her.
Boys get discovered
as winter melts.
Flowers competing
for the sun.
Years go by
and I'm here still waiting,
Withering where
some snowman was.5
Girls grow up and
want attention. I grew up and wanted it too. But I was never
good at competing for the sun. I lost the light many times because
I just wasn’t pushy enough. I did wither and was left searching for
myself in the mirror. Some days I like what I see, most days I do
not.
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but I like the way you play.6
“Hey, dog, teach
you how to bark.”
And I died.7 And I died. But I thanked him.8
I ignored him. Can you believe that sick, sick?9 |
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We like music we can relate to. Music we can’t describe, but we can feel. Tori’s music makes me realize I’m no good at writing music reviews. Her music must be heard, not described. Tori’s music makes me remember when I was most self-conscious and all the pretty, bold flowers got the sun. I can feel that cloud following me around daily and I will forever be that ugly child in the department store standing alone, humiliated and hurt because I know I am ugly and some boy had just confirmed it.
Hearing Tori makes it hard to look at my youth. My dusty dreams that may never be taken again from the shelf. I see Tori and I see myself young, and full of hope. I think of the happy phantom running through a graveyard unaware of what may kill her. Then I see myself and see a person who died along time ago.
Mirror, mirror
where's the crystal palace?
But I only can
see myself.
Skating around
the truth who I am,
But I know,
Dad, the ice is getting thin.10
With every song I want the crystal palace even more. But is there really any? It is always so easy to look back and see where we have failed, but we often forget the good things in our lives. I have been through a lot of changes in 10 years but at that moment, watching one of my true writing inspirations with a dear person, who also finds her just as inspiring, I can truly say I feel accomplished, regardless of my labeled position in society.
Hair is gray
and the fires are burning.
So many dreams
on the shelf.
You say, I wanted
you to be proud of me.
I always wanted
that myself.11
I think part of Tori’s unwritten message is that there are good things with the bad. “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.”
I do not deny that
I avoid the truth about myself but it is the only way I can keep trudging
through the Winter.
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When you gonna love you as much as I do? When you gonna make up your mind? 'Cause things are gonna change so fast. All the white horses have gone ahead. I tell you that I'll always want you near.  |