SOME OF US ARE WATCHING/WINTER 2003                                                                                                      ISSUE 5

EXCUSE ME, BUT CAN I BE YOU FOR A WHILE?, pg. 2
By Dreama
Photos www.toriamos.com
 
When Tori emerged onto MTV, for the first time I could relate to a female singer.  She wasn’t all bubble gum popping and frosted lipstick with a 3-inch high blonde mess on her head that claimed to be bangs.  She was real.  Her, a piano and a voice that makes you think you can sing when you cry privately with a broken heart.  Everything I knew was looking back at me.

It’s not that I wanted to be her…I am her.

Boys get discovered as winter melts.
Flowers competing for the sun.
Years go by and I'm here still waiting,
Withering where some snowman was.5

Girls grow up and want attention.  I grew up and wanted it too.  But I was never good at competing for the sun.  I lost the light many times because I just wasn’t pushy enough.  I did wither and was left searching for myself in the mirror.  Some days I like what I see, most days I do not. 
 

He said you’re really an ugly girl, 
but I like the way you play.6


“Hey, dog, teach you how to bark.”
 


And I died.7

And I died.

But I thanked him.8


I ignored him.

Can you believe that sick, sick?9

We like music we can relate to.  Music we can’t describe, but we can feel.  Tori’s music makes me realize I’m no good at writing music reviews.  Her music must be heard, not described.  Tori’s music makes me remember when I was most self-conscious and all the pretty, bold flowers got the sun.  I can feel that cloud following me around daily and I will forever be that ugly child in the department store standing alone, humiliated and hurt because I know I am ugly and some boy had just confirmed it. 

Hearing Tori makes it hard to look at my youth.  My dusty dreams that may never be taken again from the shelf.  I see Tori and I see myself young, and full of hope.  I think of the happy phantom running through a graveyard unaware of what may kill her.  Then I see myself and see a person who died along time ago.

Mirror, mirror where's the crystal palace?
But I only can see myself.
Skating around the truth who I am,
But I know, Dad, the ice is getting thin.10

With every song I want the crystal palace even more.  But is there really any?  It is always so easy to look back and see where we have failed, but we often forget the good things in our lives.  I have been through a lot of changes in 10 years but at that moment, watching one of my true writing inspirations with a dear person, who also finds her just as inspiring, I can truly say I feel accomplished, regardless of my labeled position in society. 

Hair is gray and the fires are burning.
So many dreams on the shelf.
You say, I wanted you to be proud of me.
I always wanted that myself.11

 I think part of Tori’s unwritten message is that there are good things with the bad.  “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” 

I do not deny that I avoid the truth about myself but it is the only way I can keep trudging through the Winter.
 

When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast.
All the white horses have gone ahead.
I tell you that I'll always want you near.
You say that things change… my dear.12

 
Song lyrics used in text by Tori Amos.
Title:  Silent All These Years  1, 2: Winter  3: A Sorta Fairy Tale  4: Crucify  5: Winter  6, 7, 8, 9: Precious Things 
10, 11, 12: Winter


Above promotional pictures of Tori Amos 
are from her new album SCARLET'S WALK.
www.toriamos.com

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